there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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