he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
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