she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
