can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Randomize
