I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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