Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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