I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
