I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
