Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
