Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
