omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
love makes seman taste better
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Randomize
