From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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