He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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