I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
