Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
