the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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