I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
