Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
