then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
