I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
