I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
