Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
