Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
