Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Randomize
