I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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