i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
