I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
