Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
