Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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