omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
