My liver just broke up with me...
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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