I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Found your dick twin last night
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
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