i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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