Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
40s are totally the cure
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
