you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
