I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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