I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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