Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
