I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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