mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
