Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
