Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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