On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
