Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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