I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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