you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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