Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize