What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
