So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
