Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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