you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
