weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
