Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
